Manic

Don’t need pain, don’t need horror.
Yet here I am stuck in between both.
Like a common fool unable to admit defeat-
Never defeat, never no not me
I will prevail in what I know is truth.
The lies, the wenches,
They can’t be bothered to give me the boot-
Out of my mind
So out of time
Can’t even fucking rhyme, in the ways I do to pass time
Just a beat in my head-
Tick tock.
Witch is , is what? A flame
Who is to blame?
The bitch who has no name.
Me dumbass.

Forest

Empty words and empty pauses,
Try to breakthrough them-
Change them.

It never works.

Some forest-filled terrain is what a heart is in this state.
Too many twists and turns,
Won't make it through-

Fall into a ditch-
Set back,
Going back
To the middle quiet.
Nothing else.

Everything, But

Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate
Me

Try to control me, but to the deepest of my heart.
It will never work.

See, I've been down this road before-
And I've heard those crocodile sobs.

You can't make me bow to your every whim,
Unless it is my choice.

There are things I do, do for you.
Only, you.
Always you.

Just as I did for her, for them, for him.

You're not the same.

My emotions I will tie down.
My frown I will hide with a smile.
My anger I will rage and seethe inside.
My hurt I will bury in the sand, deep beneath the waves of the ocean.

But my heart, will never belong to you.
My Will will never be in your hands.

Untamed I shall stay,
Do not try to take that away.
For any attempt, any at all-

Will be your Downfall.

Image

You who write in rhymes.
You have run out of time.
Lost in the maze of circles.
Oh here we go again,
Same-
Yet again.

Your fault.
You know?
The careless words you've spoken,
Caused this fragile trust to become broken.
Cannot be mended.
For it was intended-
To always end this life.
Life of denials, killing, and cursing.

You wanted no such life.
Couldn't take the idea of emotions running slowly.
You couldn't even fathom your own undoing.
Was right there all along.
Staring vacantly back at you-
That mirror.

She's there.
Look ho! Over there.
She won't turn around- not for you.
Never for you.

She hast no memory loss when it is around her.
You, she.
Hath switched in her eyes.
You are the one.

Who always says goodbye.
You are the one who runs away and hides.
Her vacant what were they? Brown? Eyes?
You are the villain, because you said what you felt.

This is all, your fault.
Your downfall.
She is the victim.
You are the villain.

The hater, the liar, the backstabber.
You know it's the truth.
She stares vacantly, no tears shall fall.
She was the mirror, the image.

Now you are within its glass walls.
As she looks into its depths, and sees only you-
The image of you, reflects her own image.

You are the villain,
She is the Heroine.

Normalcy

It's not love.
It's normalcy.
That's what has faded away.
Finally, right?

The breath that I've been breathing was timid-
I had one foot in and one foot out.
This world, that world.
Best of both.

Little by little I leaned further and further,
To that one.
Less inclined to stay in the other.
I started losing who I was, torn between
What I knew to be true-

And what was told to me was.

I kept drifting from that one to the other,
Not finding a balance between them.
Normalcy-

I never wanted it, yet it was a comfort.
It's gone.
I understand that.
No going back-
There never was.

Free, finally...
Free.

Are you happy?
Bittersweet, is this reality-
Never Alone and yet in that...
I will always be.
Distant, far, gone,
Secluded.

Unfinished

In this place
Always in this place.
It's as if time never passed-

I know that this feeling won't last for-

Foolish

I don't understand you,
No,not at all.
Why did you choose such a-
Sad bittersweet path?
Did you believe that after being shoved down,
It would be enough?

Enough to feel even slightly-
A feeling of bliss,
That's not enough for me!

Look what you did!
You started the change, you broke him.
Left him to rot!

All because of a Con-man's attentive gaze?!

You hurt him, so much...
So very much...

And realizing your actions were foolish,
Leaving you with nothing...
I have realized in turn-

You have hurt yourself.

You were better than that!
It would have been better if it was just an act!

Away, away
To a past lord's gaze.

You fell away, in your chance for freedom.
Ran into your lover's loveless gaze
And left your other half alone, torn.

You hurt him, and in turn hurt you,
Hurt me.

Kate...
How could you?

Revisited

Heart, this is me.
I speak here freely.
Thoughts and dreams
They flee.

Fleeting never? Always moving.
In my mind in my soul.
Choking my every breath.
I cannot lye down to rest.

There is nothing more frightening-
Not knowing, not telling.

Future is bright, that is what I keep thinking.
Yet, nothing is moving and each day
I am sinking.
Thinking to myself, it will change-
For I will change it.

But doubt plagues my every move,
Pinning me down in one swift hand.
"You cannot outrun what you know I have planned"
Fail.
Failure
Tis what I am.

That is what He says to me,
It is what I will not accept.
What I cannot accept.
But fear I will soon.

"For so I will be gone tomorrow "
A lie, I am already gone.

"For my will power is not strong"
Another lie, for I have lived this long.
On will alone, driving me to live.
And live for me.

Doubt, like the Hell I have always known-
Plagues me, but it does not let go.

Wail

Circles circles
Round and round
Kept in a routine for fear of the drowned
Slowly slow stand in fear.

Fear is a beautiful thing my dear.
Wild free loose and strong.
Broken jaded cradled and flawed.
Tis the nature of all.

Whispered secrets in silent hours.
No one knows the eye's desire.
Waiting waiting for none shall come.
Rise and fall.
Nothing at all.

Boggled

here is there,
and there is here
nowhere good and nowhere clear
Shalt you find another winter's kiss?
She wouldn't know.
She only listens,
There is nothing else but what is not.
Nothing else that can be fought.
Taught
Distraught
Lost
In stagnant roses.
She hated roses.
They always rot.

Time is nothing, and yet it flies.
But doth thee know the reasons why?
I hath no other thought in mind.
Only that this is but a stop-
No, not a stop.
A place?
No
No
No

Porcelain Smile

Everything I write, every time it's fought.
All I do is smile,
Within the chaos.

A porcelain smile, just a mask.

I have no reason to live in such lies.
I want to show the truth behind it,
That crying face,

Face of desperation-
Face of loss.
Face of fear.
Face of weak-willed brokenness.
By what I hold dear.

It's what I always did-
This feeling of loneliness and anger is nothing in comparison,
I can't live on as a liar forever.

I can't continue to fight battles of others,
Because they can't fight them themselves.
But I do it anyway.
I'm not really here am I?

No, I've been gone for so long,
Too long, I don't know my purpose anymore,
I just fight, so that they live.

When did I become chained to a bitch like this?

Masochist

I love you
I hate you
Love and hate
Hate and love.

This is the way it is.
Why?
To be scorned with anger and hatred and jealousy-
Misunderstanding,
Lost in the Hurricane of all that has pinned one down.
By this feeling called Love.

Masochist.
It must be.
Who would put up with such things?

To the point where they would be become the villain in the
Eyes of their beloved ones.

Yes, just so that they feel secure.

But, this chain- bond
Feels so heavy
so dark and deep is this pit of sacrifice.

There seems no end.
And parts of one are chipped away- or forced to be chipped away.
For the greater understanding.

Most say, overrated, not worth it.

Divinity says,
No choice.

Masochist,
You have undone me. 

Paths

There are the things that must be,
Things that one never wanted.
and things that just are.

All are the same.
All paths come with pain.
This is life's game.
Feelings of old, end with one lost to the cold.

Where nothing is the way it should be.
but what is the way it should be?
What is the way it is wanted?

It is not known.
We do not know.

Ensnared

Ensnared in the dark.
Unknown to all.
Silently whispering insults to the call.
To flee is tis what is wanted, but that was in vain.
Stuck here in this moment-

Forced to be surfacely tamed.

Change

This is something new.
Something old.

Where things used to make sense...
A change in the wind, the direction-
The want, it's felt with every minute that passes through.

It is strange, confusing.
Makes the past seem like a distant memory of something that never
Should have happened to begin with, but did.

The memory is missed, yes.

The want...
What's wrong?

What is it?

Turmoil

Stop it!
Stand!

You need to stand!
Forget it!

I can't!
You can!

Stuck in the quicksand.
Blurry world.
Blurry thoughts.
Perhaps I really should just start to talk.
Yes
I think I should just talk.

Marble

Can't take it.
I said I could.
I can't
I really can't-

Trying to ignore it.
to let go.

Break past it, but I can't

I want to
So badly want to.
This isn't a feeling meant for me.

Can I trade it for greed?
I don't get lonely.
I don't fall to my knees-
Begging like some common girl with no will power to stand on her own.

I'm resisting the water that wants to fall.
Resisting the clenching and sinking feeling deep within.
It's not a common thing-
Though others would say it is.
Not to me,
No not to me.

This feeling that sends me to my knees.
To the floor.
Crashing on it's marble surface-
Cold, cool surface.
My nails bleed.
Bleed from my will to stand up but only able to lift half of me by my hands.
Palms sticky with sweat.
This is no endurance test.
Fallen on the floor.
Barely holding on to sanity.

Shaking legs, bleeding nails.
Nails that dig into the cool marble,
Marble that is freezing me to the core.

Words

Can it stop now?
The words?
Entering-
Rushing quickly to the fingers?
To create such poems as these?
It's not for me,
Not for me.

Shut up mind!
Stop creating these sentences of rhyme.
I want it to stop-
Please,
Shut off...

I don't want to write anymore,
I feel so vain.
So pathetic and needy.

Weak.

These sentences of rhyme.
That I used to write to pass the time-
Have become an outlet for all the things on my mind.
Personal things.

I try not to write "I" because those get annoying to people.
But every single one is here,
My voice.
My words-
Emotions
Heart
Out in the open for all to see.

To judge, to poke, to prod
To wonder.

These are all about me.

I hate it, but I can't talk about it.
And I get tired of bringing it up over and over to others.
So I write.
Write it all.

My outlet for the things I try not to say-
Try to push back.
Try to not act on.
Try not to think about.
But eventually end up doing so anyway.

These words will always be my pain.

In-Sane

No more holding back.
this is the truth. Lost it all.
Love, Pain, Betrayal.
All.

Known is the way.
Known is the game.
Known is the same as tame.

To breathe in a scent unseen-
Taste something that appears unclean-
Insane.

Wanting that feeling deep, deep inside.
Craving it like the longing in one's own heart.
Hold it-
Hold  it.

Deeper, want it deeper inside-
To reach into the core of the soul.
But it can't reach.
Crave it.
Tastes like the sweetest wine.
Wine never tried.
Virgin eyes.
Pure soul-
Swallowed up whole.

Desire is enveloping the ache.
Ache for something insane.

So Alluring Mask.

Pandora

Harbor the doubts, in a secret vault.
Shh, quiet-
They might hear.

They're in a jar, that jar is sealed.
With wax from bee's hive.
It won't open.
Not now-
One's own Pandora story.

Choose to crack it, choose to hide it.
Leave it shut.
Twist the wrists that want to unleash it.
Don't let them..
Open that jar.

Pandora-
Heed the words.

Leave it be.