This is something new.
Something old.
Where things used to make sense...
A change in the wind, the direction-
The want, it's felt with every minute that passes through.
It is strange, confusing.
Makes the past seem like a distant memory of something that never
Should have happened to begin with, but did.
The memory is missed, yes.
The want...
What's wrong?
What is it?
18.11.10
14.11.10
Turmoil
Stop it!
Stand!
You need to stand!
Forget it!
I can't!
You can!
Stuck in the quicksand.
Blurry world.
Blurry thoughts.
Perhaps I really should just start to talk.
Yes
I think I should just talk.
Stand!
You need to stand!
Forget it!
I can't!
You can!
Stuck in the quicksand.
Blurry world.
Blurry thoughts.
Perhaps I really should just start to talk.
Yes
I think I should just talk.
Marble
Can't take it.
I said I could.
I can't
I really can't-
Trying to ignore it.
to let go.
Break past it, but I can't
I want to
So badly want to.
This isn't a feeling meant for me.
Can I trade it for greed?
I don't get lonely.
I don't fall to my knees-
Begging like some common girl with no will power to stand on her own.
I'm resisting the water that wants to fall.
Resisting the clenching and sinking feeling deep within.
It's not a common thing-
Though others would say it is.
Not to me,
No not to me.
This feeling that sends me to my knees.
To the floor.
Crashing on it's marble surface-
Cold, cool surface.
My nails bleed.
Bleed from my will to stand up but only able to lift half of me by my hands.
Palms sticky with sweat.
This is no endurance test.
Fallen on the floor.
Barely holding on to sanity.
Shaking legs, bleeding nails.
Nails that dig into the cool marble,
Marble that is freezing me to the core.
I said I could.
I can't
I really can't-
Trying to ignore it.
to let go.
Break past it, but I can't
I want to
So badly want to.
This isn't a feeling meant for me.
Can I trade it for greed?
I don't get lonely.
I don't fall to my knees-
Begging like some common girl with no will power to stand on her own.
I'm resisting the water that wants to fall.
Resisting the clenching and sinking feeling deep within.
It's not a common thing-
Though others would say it is.
Not to me,
No not to me.
This feeling that sends me to my knees.
To the floor.
Crashing on it's marble surface-
Cold, cool surface.
My nails bleed.
Bleed from my will to stand up but only able to lift half of me by my hands.
Palms sticky with sweat.
This is no endurance test.
Fallen on the floor.
Barely holding on to sanity.
Shaking legs, bleeding nails.
Nails that dig into the cool marble,
Marble that is freezing me to the core.
Words
Can it stop now?
The words?
Entering-
Rushing quickly to the fingers?
To create such poems as these?
It's not for me,
Not for me.
Shut up mind!
Stop creating these sentences of rhyme.
I want it to stop-
Please,
Shut off...
I don't want to write anymore,
I feel so vain.
So pathetic and needy.
Weak.
These sentences of rhyme.
That I used to write to pass the time-
Have become an outlet for all the things on my mind.
Personal things.
I try not to write "I" because those get annoying to people.
But every single one is here,
My voice.
My words-
Emotions
Heart
Out in the open for all to see.
To judge, to poke, to prod
To wonder.
These are all about me.
I hate it, but I can't talk about it.
And I get tired of bringing it up over and over to others.
So I write.
Write it all.
My outlet for the things I try not to say-
Try to push back.
Try to not act on.
Try not to think about.
But eventually end up doing so anyway.
These words will always be my pain.
The words?
Entering-
Rushing quickly to the fingers?
To create such poems as these?
It's not for me,
Not for me.
Shut up mind!
Stop creating these sentences of rhyme.
I want it to stop-
Please,
Shut off...
I don't want to write anymore,
I feel so vain.
So pathetic and needy.
Weak.
These sentences of rhyme.
That I used to write to pass the time-
Have become an outlet for all the things on my mind.
Personal things.
I try not to write "I" because those get annoying to people.
But every single one is here,
My voice.
My words-
Emotions
Heart
Out in the open for all to see.
To judge, to poke, to prod
To wonder.
These are all about me.
I hate it, but I can't talk about it.
And I get tired of bringing it up over and over to others.
So I write.
Write it all.
My outlet for the things I try not to say-
Try to push back.
Try to not act on.
Try not to think about.
But eventually end up doing so anyway.
These words will always be my pain.
In-Sane
No more holding back.
this is the truth. Lost it all.
Love, Pain, Betrayal.
All.
Known is the way.
Known is the game.
Known is the same as tame.
To breathe in a scent unseen-
Taste something that appears unclean-
Insane.
Wanting that feeling deep, deep inside.
Craving it like the longing in one's own heart.
Hold it-
Hold it.
Deeper, want it deeper inside-
To reach into the core of the soul.
But it can't reach.
Crave it.
Tastes like the sweetest wine.
Wine never tried.
Virgin eyes.
Pure soul-
Swallowed up whole.
Desire is enveloping the ache.
Ache for something insane.
So Alluring Mask.
this is the truth. Lost it all.
Love, Pain, Betrayal.
All.
Known is the way.
Known is the game.
Known is the same as tame.
To breathe in a scent unseen-
Taste something that appears unclean-
Insane.
Wanting that feeling deep, deep inside.
Craving it like the longing in one's own heart.
Hold it-
Hold it.
Deeper, want it deeper inside-
To reach into the core of the soul.
But it can't reach.
Crave it.
Tastes like the sweetest wine.
Wine never tried.
Virgin eyes.
Pure soul-
Swallowed up whole.
Desire is enveloping the ache.
Ache for something insane.
So Alluring Mask.
Pandora
Harbor the doubts, in a secret vault.
Shh, quiet-
They might hear.
They're in a jar, that jar is sealed.
With wax from bee's hive.
It won't open.
Not now-
One's own Pandora story.
Choose to crack it, choose to hide it.
Leave it shut.
Twist the wrists that want to unleash it.
Don't let them..
Open that jar.
Pandora-
Heed the words.
Leave it be.
Shh, quiet-
They might hear.
They're in a jar, that jar is sealed.
With wax from bee's hive.
It won't open.
Not now-
One's own Pandora story.
Choose to crack it, choose to hide it.
Leave it shut.
Twist the wrists that want to unleash it.
Don't let them..
Open that jar.
Pandora-
Heed the words.
Leave it be.
Bitterness
Would you understand.
What I want?
What I need?
When I bleed?
You said you would, that you do,
Perhaps I believe you,
A tiny smidget-
Real small.
Caring isn't always understanding.
What I want?
What I need?
When I bleed?
You said you would, that you do,
Perhaps I believe you,
A tiny smidget-
Real small.
Caring isn't always understanding.
Overplayed
Like an over played record it plays-
Nonstop in the mind.
My mind.
So tired of hearing the same things-
Feeling the same way, it would be better to feel emptiness.
Cannot explain the source of it.
Cannot share it with those close to me-
So close to me.
Because
In reality
They are so very far away.
Nonstop in the mind.
My mind.
So tired of hearing the same things-
Feeling the same way, it would be better to feel emptiness.
Cannot explain the source of it.
Cannot share it with those close to me-
So close to me.
Because
In reality
They are so very far away.
30.10.10
Taboo
Closing eyes to the world.
Seeing what is wanted.
Who is wanted.
Gone-
know this.
Gone.Still the longing lingers on-
Pulling at what little strings are left in the threads of the walls.
Tossing and turning in a stupor sleep.
Wanting to see, wanting to feel, wanting to hear, wanting to heal.
Can't
Never can.
Speaking about the taboo-
Something never wanted for the wanted.
But, it has become.
Taboo
To fall in thoughts of you.
Seeing what is wanted.
Who is wanted.
Gone-
know this.
Gone.Still the longing lingers on-
Pulling at what little strings are left in the threads of the walls.
Tossing and turning in a stupor sleep.
Wanting to see, wanting to feel, wanting to hear, wanting to heal.
Can't
Never can.
Speaking about the taboo-
Something never wanted for the wanted.
But, it has become.
Taboo
To fall in thoughts of you.
Bleed Unto
Pull it out,
The nail in the skin-
Pull it out.
Let the wound bleed. Bleed that pain unto me.
Who?
Me?
Bleed, come on! Bleed for me.
Pain is my strength. I need your suffering, within me.
Part of me.
Part of you.
Bleed unto me.
The nail in the skin-
Pull it out.
Let the wound bleed. Bleed that pain unto me.
Who?
Me?
Bleed, come on! Bleed for me.
Pain is my strength. I need your suffering, within me.
Part of me.
Part of you.
Bleed unto me.
Lyrical
Leave, leave, leave!...Leave.
So much, anger-
Gone.
Vacant lyrical words-
Dead song.
Arise to the ending,
Can't-
Too tired.
Will shattered,
Spirit gone.
Dead, dead lyrical song.
Get up, get up...Get up!..Get up.
Don't want to.No need to.
Lie in wait-
Waiting for nothing,
Dreaming?
No, can't do that anymore.
Dead, dead lyrical song .
Breathe, breathe, breathe!...Suffocate.
Let go.
Fall.
Sleep.
Dead, dead lyrical song.
So much, anger-
Gone.
Vacant lyrical words-
Dead song.
Arise to the ending,
Can't-
Too tired.
Will shattered,
Spirit gone.
Dead, dead lyrical song.
Get up, get up...Get up!..Get up.
Don't want to.No need to.
Lie in wait-
Waiting for nothing,
Dreaming?
No, can't do that anymore.
Dead, dead lyrical song .
Breathe, breathe, breathe!...Suffocate.
Let go.
Fall.
Sleep.
Dead, dead lyrical song.
28.10.10
Scene
Bold choice of wording.
Bones aching.
Living in the moments of hell.
What is this feeling,
Fire?
Engulfing the very existence once thriving,
Dying.
A signal in the midst of all of this, this scene.
So very in the dark, about this.
About it.
This thing.
Dark is it.
Strong? Weak, it would seem.
Yet it pulls at the threads, begins to un weave.
Unfurling a most interesting scene-
Better than any TV,
But then TV was never just a thing.
Bones aching.
Living in the moments of hell.
What is this feeling,
Fire?
Engulfing the very existence once thriving,
Dying.
A signal in the midst of all of this, this scene.
So very in the dark, about this.
About it.
This thing.
Dark is it.
Strong? Weak, it would seem.
Yet it pulls at the threads, begins to un weave.
Unfurling a most interesting scene-
Better than any TV,
But then TV was never just a thing.
26.10.10
Deleted
I wanted to hear the voice.
To know who it is that calls to me deep in the crevice of my mind.
I don't get to.
It is not meant to be-
They say.
Without saying a thing at all.
Be blind,
Deaf.
It's healthier for your mind.
To know who it is that calls to me deep in the crevice of my mind.
I don't get to.
It is not meant to be-
They say.
Without saying a thing at all.
Be blind,
Deaf.
It's healthier for your mind.
25.10.10
Invisible
It should be-
Easier,
Understood.
Calm before the storm.
Silence in thoughts of nothingness.
Not meant to be heard.
For being heard, would make you seen.
You do not want to be seen.
Eyes that do not help with the clarity of the subject.
Turbulence, broken by stability one desires but can never have.
A fool's wish.
That is all.
Easier,
Understood.
Calm before the storm.
Silence in thoughts of nothingness.
Not meant to be heard.
For being heard, would make you seen.
You do not want to be seen.
Eyes that do not help with the clarity of the subject.
Turbulence, broken by stability one desires but can never have.
A fool's wish.
That is all.
23.10.10
Moment
It's a feeling in your bones,
Something you do not sense, until it is.
Long awaited whispers of words you remember from a dream,
Nightmare.
Follow it down the halls of blackened walls.
Fire was here.
Fire was there.
Calling to the whispers, hearing only their silent anger.
You tried to reach out,
But they only hide from you-
This is meant to break you,
You want to let it break.
Show yourself from behind the facade of who you once were.
That image is cracked.
You cannot get it back.
Your voice is nothing but a mute mouse's squeak.
Broken in.
You sensed the fire.
You just never felt when it-
The moment you died soon after.
Something you do not sense, until it is.
Long awaited whispers of words you remember from a dream,
Nightmare.
Follow it down the halls of blackened walls.
Fire was here.
Fire was there.
Calling to the whispers, hearing only their silent anger.
You tried to reach out,
But they only hide from you-
This is meant to break you,
You want to let it break.
Show yourself from behind the facade of who you once were.
That image is cracked.
You cannot get it back.
Your voice is nothing but a mute mouse's squeak.
Broken in.
You sensed the fire.
You just never felt when it-
The moment you died soon after.
14.10.10
Warning
Truth is all you have-
It’s all that’s left.
I remember hearing, that warning from so far away.
I remember hearing, that warning from so far away.
It was mine, once future now
Present days.
Warning me, not to fall victim to your
Too honest gaze, eyes that could see through me-
This hurt, pain that lingers here,
Is stifling my soul’s rays.
I want to regret, but I do not want to forget,
Any of it, any of you.
This pain is my breakdown,
That I plunged into.
There s no regretting, only savoring.
4.10.10
Stime
When time stands still,
The world will still move.
Move on it's own in a way of it's own.
Holding onto the very threads that are ripping apart.
Wondering if it is even worth it.
To wonder about such things.
If time stood still,
Would one simply live within it as statue of what once was?
Or would they become something that never was in current time,
But exists outside it.
The world will still move.
Move on it's own in a way of it's own.
Holding onto the very threads that are ripping apart.
Wondering if it is even worth it.
To wonder about such things.
If time stood still,
Would one simply live within it as statue of what once was?
Or would they become something that never was in current time,
But exists outside it.
28.7.10
Drift
Wandering thoughts have led me here.
This place where I do not need to call to anyone dear.
This slowly moving shallow world of dreams.
Can I stay here please?
A world where all is what I know.
And nothing is kept secret from me.
Bloodied hands are before me.
I know what I have done.
This world of dreams is my refuge,
Please no more accusations.
Let me alone in this sweet world.
Where I can be tainted of mind
All on my own.
This place where I do not need to call to anyone dear.
This slowly moving shallow world of dreams.
Can I stay here please?
A world where all is what I know.
And nothing is kept secret from me.
Bloodied hands are before me.
I know what I have done.
This world of dreams is my refuge,
Please no more accusations.
Let me alone in this sweet world.
Where I can be tainted of mind
All on my own.
13.5.10
Past Whispers
This is the night when I remember things,
Remember all that I would like to forget.
Where I hold my head in my hands and say-
I'm sorry,
Sorry for breaking into these pieces everyday.
Sorry for being nothing to myself for such a long time.
I neglected to say that I once loved you,
My past has told me it's not meant to be,
I listen.
It whispers to me.
Love,
Love again.
To not let my heart freeze in its beating.
I will do as it asks,
Learn from it.
Move forward,
And continue, even if it hurts...
To hold only thoughts of you.
Remember all that I would like to forget.
Where I hold my head in my hands and say-
I'm sorry,
Sorry for breaking into these pieces everyday.
Sorry for being nothing to myself for such a long time.
I neglected to say that I once loved you,
My past has told me it's not meant to be,
I listen.
It whispers to me.
Love,
Love again.
To not let my heart freeze in its beating.
I will do as it asks,
Learn from it.
Move forward,
And continue, even if it hurts...
To hold only thoughts of you.
22.4.10
Only
I had known,
Known since the very beginning.
That I would only fade into the background, again.
Still, I will not try to stop myself from falling.
This was never about me,
I only wished for happiness.
Right?
I only wished for that-
Only that.
It is my way,
I must continue forward.
Because I cannot trip and stumble in the midst of falling-
I have fallen already.
Now it is a matter of getting up,
Holding my head high,
As I pull myself up from this cold ground.
The dream I have awaken from, was a nightmare graceful and alluring.
Beckoning me,
I must get up, and stand in this darkness.
Until,
Until I find that light-
Shining in the darkness of my lonely heart.
Known since the very beginning.
That I would only fade into the background, again.
Still, I will not try to stop myself from falling.
This was never about me,
I only wished for happiness.
Right?
I only wished for that-
Only that.
It is my way,
I must continue forward.
Because I cannot trip and stumble in the midst of falling-
I have fallen already.
Now it is a matter of getting up,
Holding my head high,
As I pull myself up from this cold ground.
The dream I have awaken from, was a nightmare graceful and alluring.
Beckoning me,
I must get up, and stand in this darkness.
Until,
Until I find that light-
Shining in the darkness of my lonely heart.
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